Friday, 10 July 2015

Don't Run Before You Can Walk

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'Don't run before you can walk'.
Its a saying we're all familiar with and understand that it means taking things step by step; one thing at a time. 
Well, if i would abide by this rule, I probably wouldn't be where I am now. But sometimes, you just have to push your limits.

After relapsing in September 2014 I had to take little steps again. And when I say little steps, I mean little. We're talking about sitting up for 5 minutes longer, or, standing for a few seconds more. Before that, however, I was taking giant strides. I definitely craved the progress I made and was probably a bit too determined to start improving again. Over the last month or so I started making progress at a faster rate and started to 'run at the light' again. Pushing myself further and further.

I finished my a-levels (finally - if anyone who's got a chronic illness is reading this, stick with it. It may have took me 5 years but I got there in the end!) and then had a lot more time on my hands. My usual routine of going on my recliner, watching some tv, revising and going to bed had been abolished. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, as coming up to exams I had a years worth of work to cram in in 2 weeks, so all my energy was spent on revision. So, when exams were over, I was expecting relief. Instead, It'd been replaced with frustration. I was getting frustrated that I wasn't achieving anything anymore and had nothing to do. I wanted to achieve by doing something but totally lacked the energy and motivation. Looking back, I still was achieving so much. Project Parent, rehab class, a small amount of teaching and little outings. I wanted to do something new and stupidly started looking at what other people were doing and comparing it to what I was achieving. 


I'm lucky enough to be friends with many inspirational people. And I'm not just talking about people who do a good deed a day. This is life altering stuff and making a difference on an entire community. I love seeing what they're doing but sometimes, when my mood isn't as stable, I find myself thinking I should be doing amazing things like them. I do often have to remind myself I'm ill too, and know that my number 1 priority should be to get myself stable, instead of taking on the world. So, after getting frustrated for a week or so, I finally cam round to thinking what I was currently doing was good enough. I don't need things like having 12k followers on instagram or having an article published on a well known website. I'm doing my own little things and if I help anyone else along the way, that's a bonus. I want to do so much but my health is so restrictive, and I'm fine with that 99% of the time, but sometimes it just gets too much.

So, because of all of this, I was trying to do too much. I also started having panic attacks again, which people who have them will know are energy draining. I started running at the light again where as I needed to be slow and steady. Which has got me where I am now. Due to my EDS flaring up I haven't eaten a meal this week, causing me to collapse this morning. It was a bit of an eye opener really, and now I know that I've just got to take small steps and build myself up again. No giant leaps... yet. 

It's good to test your limits. How will you know where they are if you don't? But maybe, Kate, hold it off for now, and just focus on getting some stability back.

Kate x

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